Sitting around

Written yesterday:
"
Wonderland

I'm currently sitting in a garden, European style, something like the rose garden of Alice (and the roses really do look painted). That's because I'm trying to find somewhere to study. I've found that my roommate is usually doing something that, while not necessarily distracting, is annoying like listening to music or laughing at jokes posted on the internet. We get along well, but we each have our different styles, and our preferences in music are almost polar opposites. That's all fine though because I'm not usually in my room. I spend most of my time either in the floor lounge (which actually is distracting) or wandering around campus. Right now, I'm working on the latter.

I've found a nice garden, with a perimeter of probably less than four-hundred meters (the size of a running track or soccer field). There are flowers of a small variety of red and white, a few yellow, some tall trees on either side, hedges on low concrete walls, grass that looks like it shaves daily and a few constructs of wood and concrete. The view of the mountains on a clear day is fairly, while not overly, beautiful. The whole place has that sort of modest beauty, as if someone wanted a nice place for a picnic that wouldn't attract unwanted attention. I like it.

As for the studying I'm not doing, I'm trying to get ahead in class. I have an online assignment for PHYS 170 due tomorrow. It's not hard, but my numbers have come out wrong twice. After that, I'm going to work on my PHYS 153 tutorial questions, which shouldn't be too hard (although it is a new subject) and reading through my MATH 100 book. I'm not worried about my math (though I am mildly put off by my weak performance on yesterday's midterm), it's just that all of our other classes expect us to know, understand, and be able to use stuff we have yet to cover in math (even when they say they don't). I also desperately need to read through and practice CHEM 154, however our teacher provides very little incentive with no real homework, assignments, quizzes, tests or such. The only subject I'm not studying, APSC 160, is a computer programming course, and still comes with ease (I think I aced the midterm).

Before I entered university, I would constantly hear people saying how very different it is from high school. I disagree; university is harder, but it's only the next level. I have more, and more difficult work, but it's only an increase of degree, not a revolution. And I still have all my old practices and habits, they're just a bit more refined. Granted, there's a lot more focus on academia, but that's what we get for pursuing academics. I should also add that for how much harder we work, we party, play (Starcraft 2), watch, gossip, drink dance, drink, sleep, and socialize.

The other thing about coming to university, is that it has cut a lot more ties and given me more independence. I don't mean freedom, although I have that too, I mean that now I'm paying for my expenses. I pay for laundry, food, tissues, clothes, my phone, et cetera. I just got my first phone bill and my credit card, conveniently together, inconveniently five days past due (luckily they gave me some credit). Now if only I can find out how to access my credit card billing information. To keep track of all this, I've created a financial record on my computer in excel that covers every transaction I make and records what accounts were involved, what type of transaction it was, what it was for, a brief description of it and has built in redundancies and a current net balance. It also has no actual connection to my accounts, only a description like "savings." I mention this purely because I had so much fun making it and am proud of the final product. Also because I'm still doing very well financially.

I'm a bit sleep deprived and my diet seems wrong (even though I'm trying to eat healthily), but overall these aren't major problems so much as constant states for most students (and I imagine, most people in general). With a little bit of luck I might be able to finally get ahead and to some sleep. Anyways, I have more to say, but I need to get to work.
"

Now:

I had also intended to talk about why I don't spend much time in my room. For the most part, I'm quite sure it's not my roommate. It stems from when I was in Japan and Sydney (Nova Scotia). In Japan, I was often left in my room to do nothing, expected to study and mind my own business, but I couldn't stand it. It was lonely, boring, and uneventful. So I sent hours every day simply walking around the city, even if I had nowhere to go. Just to be out. It taught me a lot more than sitting in my room, and while not as productive for studying, it taught me many other tricks, skills, and facts that became very important, such as locations of shops, shortcuts, where to go when you're in a certain mood, it got me buying Gundams which turned into one of my favourite (discontinued) hobbies, and would lead to interactions with others, whether in buying some melon bread or having a chat.

When I got back, I found that Sydney was small and uneventful. I still tried walking around, but it would always be to the same places, and even just getting to the city was an eight kilometer walk, one way. Also being a year behind my friends academically, now in university, I had very little to do. And so I spent most of my time sitting in my room, doing what could be considered in almost every respect as nothing. I was hardly even able to keep myself amused. It got to the point where I hated my room, especially the feeling of sitting at my desk in front of my computer, which I was continually using, despite my distaste in it. Needless to say, I was glad to leave it all behind.

When I got here, I bought a laptop. One that works and that I can take anywhere with me. And now I spend most of my time not sitting in my room, looking for something to happen and moving freely.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned my new computer. It's a Sony VAIO, 15.5". It has a nice keyboard with a number pad (which is uncommon on many brands of laptop, and important when you're doing a lot of math), webcam (Skype anyone?), and all the other common features you'd expect. It's ten years better than my last computer, and can run Starcraft 2. I've bought a mouse for it, a backup hard drive, lock, a sleeve, and a specialized backpack. In turn, my laptop holds all my books, musics, games (Starcraft, Starcraft 2, minesweeper), school work, financial records, et cetera. If it's stolen, it could be a security risk, but with an hour of internet access I could fix that, and I'm very careful with it. Also, if it's stolen, it's most likely it'll just be wiped and sold.

Other than that, I'll write later... when I'm not in my MATH 100 class.

UBC 101

'T's been a while since last time, but these are dated, so it's not like that statement is necessary, nor is it necessary for those who have checked in during my pause. Regardless of this, and regardless of how long it may be before I post again, let's begin.

So, to bring you up to speed; I'm now attending the University of British Columbia (UBC) for engineering (applied science), living in its Totem Park residence, and surviving on my own.

From the bottom, I have a roommate (details not disclosed for privacy). We get along well although our lives are only connected by this room. I'm on the fifth floor of my building (Shuswap, shortened to "Shu"). It's co-ed, lively, and has many engineers. People on this floor are usually doing something which is great except for studying. My building has six floors total, each with its own lounge, except for the occupied sixth floor lounge, but none of those matter since we of Shu5 have made it our way to make our lounge the best, whether it be by our own wi-fi access, our decor, the constant battle between Shu5 and maintenance over our (many) couches, or our wild weekends. Lastly, we get our daily workout just from going up and down five flights of stairs all day because the elevators take too long.

From here in my room, the next place to study is the lounge, which is great for group studying, but better for distractions. There's a study room on the second floor with an almost cubicle style to it, which is way too quiet and eerie. The main floor has a large common room, but you never know what loud group will walk in the doors. The PPPP (first year engineering study room) is a short walk away and works well for finding people working on the same subject, it's great for slipping in to do some homework between classes. Then there's the main engineering hangout; the Cheeze. It's like a small run-down house with a pool table, free video games, cheap vending machines, comfy couches, people playing Starcraft and acts as a hub for all things related to engineering students. Too fun for work. From there it comes down to UBC's many libraries, parks, patches of forest, shops, cafes, benches, study rooms, quiet rooms, and classrooms.

My courses are easy to follow. This semester I have Math 100 (calculus), Physics 153 (thermodynamics), Physics 170 (vectors, forces and moments), Chemistry 154 (chemistry), and Applied Science 160 (computer programming in c). I'm doing well and am slowly trying to get ahead of the courses. I'm ahead in MATH 100, on par in PHYS 153, PHYS 170 and APSC 160, and need to do some practice questions for CHEM 154 (though I understand the concepts and the questions are not for points). I'm confident in my ability to do well, especially since some are already questioning their own abilities, but that is not what concerns me. I'm more worried about how I can do better, especially because I'm hoping to get into the most advanced area of engineering: engineering physics (which has the mechatronics option for those who are wondering). When I mention my hopeful specialization to other engineers, one of the more common reactions is, "you poor soul." This is because engineering physics (eng phys or eng fizz) is the ultra-hard-always-working-always-studying-working-on-problems-the-professor-with-a-PhD-has-trouble-understanding kind of engineering. In fact "fizzers" are told not to bother with advanced math because the physics work they do will involve more complicated mathematics (this has been true since high school where basic physics covers grade twelve calculus*).

Life outside of class consists of trying to study, getting food, trying to do work, trying to sleep, watching television shows (usually on computers), partying, more studying, and the occasional game of Starcraft. I do most of these well, although I need to learn better studying and work habits for when the game gets stepped up. I also need to get better at the partying. I arrive after everyone else is already drunk, and by then I'm too sober to enjoy it and don't see a point in almost killing myself to catch up.

I'm keeping track of my resources (financial, temporal, physical, digital, etc) with budgets, schedules, calendars, task lists, et cetera in order to keep tabs on my living expenses and to see what can be done to improve my management skills. Time is the most important and my weakest, while finances is by all standards my strong suit. I also need a filing system for those few non-digital course sheets. If I can get this down to a science, then I can apply and optimize my lifestyle. Of course, this begs the question, "do I want to?"**

Lastly, but surely not least, girls. There are a lot of girls here. A lot of very attractive girls. I'm living on my own, trying to live the life, and planning to enter a specialty that would end any social life. These put girl high on my list (below academics, on par with finances). I'd like a relationship, but I'll take whatever I can get (current score for geoffcard:zero/five). So far I haven't had much luck. My first advance has been cut short by the platinum rule (in this case: don't date anyone on your floor), which I'm hoping will be repealed. My second advance I've since decided against (and intentionally moved into the "friend zone"). I almost wish I was that kind of guy who went to those kinds of parties. Hoping for better luck next time.

Anyways, that should work for a summary of life here so far. I'll try to write again, but I make no promises. I'll also look into photos.

*d=vt+1/2at^2 is the integral of v=v+at

**Philosophical debate for another time, comment if you want me to cover it.

Offline

I won't be writing any more entries, at least, not for a while. I have many reasons for this. This online journal was meant as a way for me to keep in touch and share my experiences while away, but I now keep in touch by being there for people, or by calling them or other means. More recently, I've kept it as a personal diary, but I need to stop writing about my life and get back to living it. Not only that, but much of my life is left out of here for lack of words or time to write. I like the idea of having a record of it all, but I'd rather get ot there and continue to live it all. I might pick this up later on, or come back to write about some ridiculous English assignment or some fantastic adventure, but for now, I need to get back to my life. I'll also keep this site up, though I've though of (and have reason to) take it down. I'll keep it online for what it is, a reminder of where I've been, and knowing my love of nostalgia, I'll eventually be back.

-geoffcard

Drama

My last entry's name was talking about how little time is left in the school year, and yet how easy it would be to ruin it all.

Anyways, this time, I'm done my English project, I have another one, but I can actually do it as an entry, you'll see why soon enough, but before that, I want to talk about just how screwed up my life can get.

First, know that I'm a nineteen-year-old male who has never been in a serious relationship. There was puppy-love when I was a kid, two things that never happened, a confession by me in front of a class in Japan, two full days of flirting that was thwarted by not having any time and one almost-recent rejection. There was also a girl a while back who I still know and have some contact with, who admitted feelings for me. I didn't have the same feelings and there were situational issues. And there was also the girl in pink shoes, whom I had feeling for, but I prefer our simply friendship, and not from fear of loosing her.

I'm looking for a girlfriend. I would gladly take any of probably a few tens of girls I see every week, but even getting over my own issues, and even if I could figure out which ones were taken (seriously, there needs to be some way to tag "jealous boyfriend that's bigger than you" to their girlfriends, and maybe the same to guys, it would make me feel a lot safer). Regardless, even that's not what happened.

Today I got a message from an acquaintance that is going to make part of my social life a lot more awkward. I'm still not sure how I'm going to deal with it, and I lost many hours that I should have spent on homework trying to get it out of my head for a moment. I would talk about it in more depth, but it's that personal for this person, and I try to do what I can to respect other people's privacy, even when I post so much of my own personal life online.

To be honest, I already knew about the message, or at least, I suspected it by how others were acting. I would have trouble believing how messed up my life gets if I weren't so used to it. Dammit, I hate being right about these things. I wish I could be pleasantly surprised by the world someday, but I know all to well that that's wishful thinking.

I'm also being teased this week by my track team, who figured out how I felt about the girl in pink shoes. Their being immature to the point where the grade ten who plays with Nerf guns is probably the teams most adult athlete. Meh, I don't directly care about what they say, I just care indirectly by how she might react to it.

And we had a few exchange students staying over at our house this weekend. It took me away from my English paper for a few precious hours, but it was a nice distraction. Unfortunately most of what I got out of it was nostalgia for when I was on exchange in Japan. It doesn't help that I'm going through my old photos and building a few incomplete panoramas, or and of the hundred other things that remind me of that place. I would love for a chance just to walk along the Saigawa, watch the river flowing, see the people moving about, counting the bridges as I pass underneath, watch the scenery change from hills and valleys to cliffs and open fields, to urban sidewalks, sluices, and construction, to marinas, small suburbs and shoreline. To see the beautiful sakura trees in spring. My sanctum. Anyways, yeah.

Also, I have to catch up on a backlog of homework and other projects from school that have been brushed aside for my English paper. This isn't too much, but it will take some time.

Also, my parents will be gone this week. That doesn't mean very much in a house whose average population dwindles at one, but it means I'll have to do a few more chores on my own. Luckily it also means I only have to clean up after myself.

Anyways, before this gets too long I'll get to my new English project, which isn't really new, but I've had to put it off until this weekend. I have to write a response to Tuesdays with Morrie. So, without further adue:

Mitch Albom's Tuesdays with Morrie is a good book that I wish I could have read earlier, instead of having learned so many of it's lessons from my own life in hindsight. It's a book on how to live, written about a man who's about to die, and who wants to pass on life's lessons to the author and readers.

My first reaction to it parallels that of the author and main character: it feels too mushy to me. It feels awkward to read, even though I know from expereience how true the lessons taught in this book are. I think it's a part of our culture to feel this way, that our emotions and closeness to others is not good or necessary. However, I know from experience that these connections are important. I regret holding my parents at arms length, treating them as I would most strangers. I wish I could feel those connections better. I remember living in Japan, and seeing how my lack of connection made me difficult to deal with. I remember the problems it caused and how long it took to make such bonds with people I now consider like family.

I also know how important it is to be a friend, or even just to keep someone company. Again, I still have trouble making these connections with people, but at the same time I know how much I need them, feeling alone all the time. Part of why I didn't like it is that I'm jealous of this dying man for how many meaningful connections and how many friends he has.

I share Morrie's view that people should live their lives how they want and not worry about society, but it seems to have worked out well for him. He acts how he wants, doesn't mind how others think and it works out fine for him. For me, every norm I break just makes me feel more alienated, even when acting more normal makes me feel phony.

The awkward feelings this book gives me remind me of Ender's Game, which has some similar themes, but takes them from a radically different perspective. Instead of relationships, friends, and families, Ender's Game refers to connections and producing babies (in that terminology). Both takes similar topics give me the same stange mushy feeling.

There are many other topics, like living every day like your last, accepting your emotions and forgiving yourself. Many of them are ones we've all heard before, but this book has some good ideas and a few cheesy anecdotes.

That's enough for tonight.

Home stretches are great places to trip up

I find it awkward to have ended that last entry where I did with no follow up. It was supposed to have a lot of follow up. Unfortunately I've been that busy. More than any of the hundred and on things standing on my shoulders, it's been my English report, due this week.

First, to any of you who want to say "oh, how silly of you, you should have gotten it done sooner, my, my, how stupid of you," I have been working on it, but it's like my science fair: no matter how early you start or how much you get complete, most of it is going to be done on the last day. Up to now I've been focusing on what to write, and now that I have a subject, I need to fill it with content.

In case you didn't read or forget what this project it about, I need to write a five page (double spaced) report on "how have your literary experiences affected the developement of your philosophy of life?" It needs to include references to the books I've read, a second source (review, critic or well written hear-say) of a book I've read, and two quotations (one long and one short).

The first part was the hardest: finding a philosophy. After hours of searching, I decided to make one up. It's basically the idea that wecshould continually progress and move forwards throught our lives, evolving, developing, changing and living as full a life as possible. Now all I need to do is expand on that and find references to literature.

The first point I'll make on the philosophy is to never give up, to always keep moving and never loose hope. This is easy to find in any story, especially ones with heroes. Also, don't stand still because the world keeps turning, it doesn't stop for you. I'd really like to quote Fullmetal Alchemist here (立って歩け前へ進めあんたには立派な足がついてるじゃないか Stand up and walk. Keep going forward. At least you have strong legs to take you there), but I'm not sure if my teacher will let me use examples from comics in another language.

The next point is not to let anything hold you back. Try to live without regrets, accept what is and move on. This doesn't mean forgetting or running away, all that will ever do is hold you back even more. To move forwards sometimes you have to face things head on (I suggest a tackle). I would like to have a quote or something here to back me up, but I doubt I'll find one.

Next is that we should continually change and develop (unless you've magically found a way to make a whole series of books about perfect people who never develop or change and just keep repeating how lovely and perfect they-oh wait, it's called Twilight, bleh). By this I mean personal developement in every aspect, whether that be hobbies, skills, career, physique, or even philosophy. I should imagine that I can somehow relate character developement to books, but I'm not sure how.

Then there's talking about diversity, how it's important to get everything you can out of life (actually, to avoid seeming like I'm repeating myself, I should put this before developement). Whether it's travelling to far off places, just having and adventure in your own backyard, or seeing what's around the next corner, talking about the places you'll go and the things that you'll see (yes, I'll be referencing Dr. Seuss's Oh, the Places you'll go). I hope to get a good quote out on this one. It really is a good idea to open your eyes and look around.

Finally, I think the last part would be not to settle. To keep going until you've wither found what you're looking for or you're six feet under. This will make up two parts, first, that like the first part, you should never give up (and here I'll be referencing a writing on Douglas Adam's Hitchtiker's Guide), and second, that if you do find what you're looking for in life, then it's fine to stop. This is a philosophy of getting from point A to point B, but once you're at point B, you probably won't need it any more.

So, I think that's a good run down of my ideas. All I need to do now is turn that into a five page report and remove all but the third person.

Actually, now that I think about it, this is a nice tie-in to my last post, which was about my point B. Anyways, I still need to either re-write that post or give it the closure I was and am too tired to ad then and now. Goodnight.

Oh, but first, just to gie you an idea of what literary works I've read, here's a list of all the books and series I remember:

Dr. Seuss (too many to list)
Where the Wild Things Are
Ender's Game (and series)
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (and series)
Discworld (and series)
Twilight (and series, in full, I had my reasons for reading it)
Hamlet
Julius Caesar
Tuesdays with Morrie
God's Debris
Neverwhere
Nineteen Eighty Four
The Time Traveller's Wife
The Catcher in the Rye
Bushido
Shogun
Gaijin
Childhood's End
The Sea Wolf
Great Expectations
The Kite Runner
Different Seasons
The Crucible
The Crysalids
To Kill a Mocking Bird
Raisin in the Sun
The Giver
The Outsiders
The Cay
Inherit the Wind
Harry Potter (and series)
Animorphs
Jumanji
The Hobbit
My Side of the Mountain
Hatchet

Listened to audiobooks of
The Divine Comedy
A Breif History of Nearly Everything
A Breif History of Time
Monday Mourning
The Polar Express
(many by Sue Grafton)
The Haymeadows
Merlin and the Dragons
The Invisible Man
The Time Machine
The War of the Worlds
Alice in Wonderland
The Lion The Wtich and the Wardrobe
Casino Royale
Sherlock Holmes

Poetry:
The Rime of the Ancient Mariner (yes, that's how it's spelled)
The Raven

Japanese:
Fullmetal Alchemist
D.N.angel
Bloody Monday
Naruto
The Journey of Shuna

There's definately much more, but that's all I have for now. Goodnight.

Contact

I've been reading Tuesdays with Morrie. I'll say it's a good book and that I recommend it to anyone who wants a better life and is willing to rethink some aspects of their lifestyle. Not that that's overwith... ugh. Don't get me wrong, the book isn't bad, a bit too light for me, but my main problem with it is that he's right and I've tried it but failed. Now I'll explain what I mean (and the title of this entry). Keep in mind that I haven't finished the book, but I doubt it's going to turn around on itself. It's a true story about a professor's slow death and his ideas of life and how we should live. One of the main ideas is to get rid of all the useless distractions in life like television, video games, new cars, bigger toys and all that jazz and to focus on our connections with real people. He talks about how we should focus more on being happy, being true to ourselves, and more (and there is more to the book, I'm just focusing).

My problem with the book is that, put simply, I'm jealous. You might remember me writing about when I started high school (and if you don't or I didn't, here you go: ) that I was just getting out of a depression and my feelings for a girl helped. That feeling is something I'm still trying to fulfill.

I want to connect with someone, call it whatever you want, a connection, contact, relationship, devotion, affection, love or just sitting down with a friend and having a chat. Humans are social creatures, but I feel alone. Sure, there're friends, those connection count, hell, I used to be fine with just that, but we've grown apart. I don't see them as much, usually when I do it's about video games or we're in a large group, and it loses that personal touch. I don't have anyone with whom I can share secrets, concerns or feelings (if anything, I now trust strangers more than most friends). There's also family, but I'm not the closest with some of them and I've grown independant of my parents, and most of us live on opposite sides of a very large country. But getting back to my topic in particular, I know what I'd want for that person, it's genetic, generic and almost cliche. I want a girlfriend (mate, companion, significant other, choose your term of preference). I trust and feel better connection with girls (women) and yes, I'm also a lusty perverted guy, that's natural (any man who says he isn't is either lying or quite an exception). Mostly now, I think I want the company, hell, I write a blog on the Internet, what about this doesn't scream "lonely."

I bring this up for several reasons. First of all, it's a topic I've brought up before, but always presented in a different way, the term I most often use it "looking for something." Second, it's that prevalent a feeling. Third, and this should probabyl be second, the girls at work keep telling me to get a girlfriend (as if it's easy, I'm on my fourth or fifth try), and bu me about any girl I talk to at Boston Pizza. Usually asking if she's my girlfriend. One was someone I didn't have those feelings for, another was my friend's ex who still hangs out with us, another was three years younger, considers me a pervert, knows me mostly for my knowledge of Japan and Japanese (I'm almost tutoring her) and is too "moe" (pronounced mo-ay, it refers to a Japanese stereotype usually involving young, immature, innocent, clutsy girls) for me. I'm surprised the girl with pink shoes isn't on this list, but she hasn't been to boston Pizza in a long time, at least not while I was there. It's kind of funny considering that she's the girl I mentioned at the beginning of this.

Well, it's one of the clock in the morning and my laundry is done. But I'll continue.

For a long while I actually didn't know specifically what the feeling was or what I was searching for. That's not to say that I didn't want to go out with anyone, just that I didn't make the connection between the feelings. I actually figured it out when I was on a movie binge. I was watching old movies, mostly Disney movies, and I was trying to narrow down what movies I wanted to watch when I made the connection: they were all the romance movies, or at least movies with romance as a core theme: Beauty and the Beast, The Little Mermaid, The Lion King, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Anastasia, Breakfast at Tiffany's (I only skipped Roman Holiday because I own it and have seen it so many times already). I almost found myself skipping the action parts.

Anyways, I'd write more, but I need sleep.

Last minute entries

So. There's a lot going on, but if you were every to ask me what I'm up to, I'd answer "nothing much" for simplicity, your unlikeliness of wanting the full answer and because most of it seems small. There's work, which takes up my Friday and Saturday nights, and it annoys me that I have nothing better to do than work. Thursdays are full, from the time I get out of school, I run to the Cove, and once volunteering is over, I head to work looking for a place to sit down for a few minutes, which is only the case about half the time and from whatever happens there I make it to Don Cherry's for wings with my friends. Now Sundays are filling up. Usually a good day to sit around wanting rest, they've been invaded by nice chats with my uncle over Skype and runing practice, and that was before my friends decided to start going to the bar at Boston Pizza on Sundays (now that their university school year is over). Mondays, which usually aren't as miserable for me as they are for others, are also getting running practice, and I've even found a way to add yet another running practice on Tuesdays. I've never really thought of Wednesdays as anything more than a random day of the week with awkward spelling, I think they might have just turnewd into my weekend.

So, in case you didn't get that, I'm on the track and field team and training for a triathlon, I'm working, volunteering and handing out hours of my week as if they were on sale. Even if this didn't force hmework to cut in to my sleep more than it already does, there seems to be something that always comes up that makes things that much more crazy. Today, it's a scholarship. The guidance office at my school recieved a letter about a scholarship for any grade twelves going into engineering for fossil fuels, which is how they advertised it, and understandably, got no replies (most grads are luck to have picked their field, even my specialization of mechanics is a bit ahead of myself, and fossil fuels isn't even an academic program). Today, they got clairification and realized that it applies to pretty much anyone going into engineering (or some geo studies). Great, another scholarship I can apply to, and there's not even a Nova Scotia only limit on it, except, they're a bit late on the draw. It's due tomorrow, I need to fill out a few pages and get three references: a community, academic and work reference. We thought we were screwed because none of us had reference letters on hand (the last scholarship I had had specific questions), but then I noticed "Reference letter: Y/N," they were optional. So, after school today, myself and another applicant asked our physics teacher to be our academic reference. I then went to track practice (which is being lead by the girl in pink shoes), ran home, drove to work (I was too tired and the weather too miserable to bother cycling), got my work reference, who wasn't there, but I found her contact information and sent her a text message about it. I had supper and headed to a volunteering event (what are the chances?) and got my community reference. Now all I have to do is write some bs.

Getting out of chronological order, Saturday after work I was eating pizza and pressuring an friend of a friend into trying Guiness, a very heavy beer. He thought he had tried it and remembered it as smooth, which was obviously wrong. We gave him a few ounces and the same to a friend and I took the rest. My friend and I downed our glasses while he could barely choke it down. It was fun (yay for peer pressure and alcohol). I mention this because it kept me away from bed until something after midnight. I then got up early because I didn't know what time track practice was at, so I rode down every few hours to the track to check. Then my aunt showed up and started talking with my mom and I got my uncle on Skype. I also sent out a message asking when track was and got a reply, but it was half over by the time I was done talking with my uncle. I rode down, talked and ran with them for the last few minutes and then went home. A while later I was agreeing to go to the bar with my friends. That lasted again until past midnight. I got home and worked on my french chemistry lab while sobering up (I learned that I'm bad at French while drunk). At about three I had done all I could manage in that state. I set my alarm earlier and slept. Upon waking, I headed to school, which was eerily empty. I started back on my lab as people began to show up. I was still tired and I might have had some insignificant signs of a hangover. I say that because I felt sleep deprived but I was warm and cold is one of the signs I've learned to associate with bad sleep deprivation on my part. I passed my lab in on time and aside from having trouble with complex thoughts through chemistry ( couldn't figure out how to explain something in French, or English) I was fine. I solved a bonus question in math, realized a mistake I made on an assignment due tomorrow, figured out a hard physics question and sat through a presentation in English. And of course, the scholarship stuff fits in there and takes me up to now.

In case this entry isn't long enough, I also have an research paper to do for English about how literature has influenced my philosophy. I've already mentioned it but as a warning now, I'm going to be using my blog as practice and to write out drafts. But those will be in their own entries and I don't have enough time for one now.

Picture time. I haven't had enough lately so here are some.
The house from the lake. I'm not entirely sure why the slope is covered in hay.
The roof is now done. Now it's time for walls and windows.
The view from up a hill. Also showing off the truck, piles of lumber and my shadow.The view from the top of a pile of dirt and rocks. Inside the house with no walls up yet. Tools and wood sitting around doing nothing.
A few days ago it snowed. It was cold and gone before the next day.

Anyways, that's all I have for now.

White noise isn't noisy enough

Today was the first day back after the Easter weekend. I spent much of my time working on a roof or trying to recover from working on a roof. Apparently I missed a lot of sleep too because I slept through my alarm. This would be understandable for most people, my alarm is white noise, but I'm a light sleeper and even white noise on minimal volume settings can get me up and panicked. This is because I've never been good with mornings, and my brain, while semiconscious, is very good at avoiding getting up. So, in order to counter this, I've been playing something similar to pshycological warfare with my morning self. I've set alarms early, set clocks ahead, changed the minute the alarm goes off (because most people don't pay attention to the hour if they think they know it), hidden my clock, set the alarm late, placed it far away and much more. Now I'm worried about tomorrow morning. Oh, and I use white noise because I wake up early and I don't want to bother anyone else.

So I missed physics this morning, but I know the topic, it's another one I remeber from Japan and there weren't any projects or tests, so I'm fine. I think my absence was mentioned less than three times and only casually. The rest of the day was normal. We have another book on religion for English (specifically, Catholisism). I'm getting tired of it. Religion is really not a good subject to flood me with. A breif mention or something short, fine, but constant reading, debates, even for the side I agree with is a bad idea.

So, getting away from that. Right now I'm just procrastinating. I'm bored and there's nothing that makes me want to work. I'll have all of my projects and stuff done for tomorrow, but I'm not feeling that productive and I know why: teen agnst, mostly undue and mostly from not having as much of a life as I want. I have about three good friends who I see at best, three times a week, and one of those times is work. My life at school is depressing. There are people I talk to, but I know I'm still an outsider. The only ones who talk to me are the ones who need something for school or want to see what eccentric answer I'll give this time. I'm being negativce and pessimistic about this, but luckily today I have an example of the best reaction I've gotten so far:

I was talking to cg and a-guy-who-is-always-well-dressed after school. I said that I thought cg was better dressed than him today (my words specifically were "I do believe you've been outdressed"). She was taken aback saying that I always seem to imply that she's not attractive. This is not true, (well, I might be giving the wrong impression but) she's very attractive, smart and has a great personality with lots of twisted humour. Most guys would be luck to have her, except that she would probably be the one wearing the pants. She's desirable, but no, I'm not after her. I have my reasons.

This also sort of scared me because it shows just how wrong of an impression I give. It reminds me of all the times I've been called a liar while telling the truth (I think people would believe me more if I told lies).

I've always wondered what I'm really like. I don't think anyone knows what they themselves are like. We can't see ourselves. Sure, you can look in a mirror, or take a picture, video, a recording, or see how others are affected by you, but it's never you. It's a reflection, a photograph, video, a strange voice and often very indirect (respectively). Oh well, I just hope that I get better at this impressions thing, or signals, or being believed when telling the truth.

No I need to finish a physics lab. Goodni-

Oh, and I had a chat with Niku yesterday via Facebook. I was at a friends and it was late, but it was nice to be in contact again. I REALLY need to get some letters and e-mails off.

G'night.

Do e-mail posts still work? (typed on PSP)

Blogger wants me to change some settings for my e-mail posting, so I'm
testing it out.

I got home at supper time from a long day working at the house. The
roof is almost done, I'm sore all over, and any more sun will turn
this reddish tan into a burn.

I stayed up playing Starcraft, agood old strategy game. I'll be tired
tomorrow, but I had fun.

There's no school tomorrow, but I'll be out at the house again.

Well, I'm off to sleep.

I get around

Mostly on foot.

I've been working at the house, which is a few days' work away from having a complete roof. When we started on the roof I was still dealing with acrophobia and trying to get a nail in with less than twenty strikes of a hammer. Every once in a while a nail will fall over the edge and I see the cartoon effect as if it's pausing in mid air to say goodbye before plummeting down. I would hear the sound of ringing metal and a few seconds later, a landing. This was while laying along a twenty-two degree roof with no harness or straps staying on by only the friction of my fabrics.

Now it's getting better. I can hammer in nails without too much trouble, I walk around with ease and while the edge remains a misstep away, I'm getting used to it. I'm also getting around in the rafters, but I've always been fine with that, I don't care as much about heights when I have something to hold on to.

I've probably gained a bit of colour while working out there. Being on the roof puts me at a better angle with the sun, and sadly, I've been out working there more than I've been outside of my own will (though transit probably still holds the majority of my outside hours). I'm not being paid for this as it is work for my parents, but it'll make for an interesting line on my resume, "helped build house." My sister also reminds me that this counts as "spending time with dad."

Here's a picture from the inside of Blacketts Lake from inside. We're putting in lots of windows and doors. As a technical note, my camera can't take this sort of picture, it'll either go bright for the outside, or dark for the inside, this is a photoedit of two pictures to show what it actually looks like.

Moving on.

Walking around Thursday I noticed a stream I pass by every Thursday walking from the Cove to Boston Pizza. I like it when this happens because it usually means that I've missed something, and that usually leads somewhere. I hope it's somewhere interesting. I noticed that it comes from a river in the residential area (which I've never noticed because the area it's in, Ashby, is a labyrinth). The other way leads to a large pond or small lake in the middle of Wentworth Park. I've always found that though I know the area, I have yet to figure it out in my head. This might be my chance for that. I'll see about poking around there the next nice day I have free.

One thing that I miss about Kanazawa is that the old city always had a mix of interesting environments and shops. The electronics store was way out of town and I got there via the river, and even the city itself was an interesting environment and full of interesting shops. Around here there aren't as many temples and cultural shops. There are a few, but they're mostly in town, and unfortunately, I don't find my own culture as interesting. I guess that was one of the advantages of being a foreigner, everything was foreign to me as well. Oh well, I'll do what I can. I can't wait to get to Vancouver to start exploring that city.

So, here's a few pictures I've taken while getting around town.



This last one is of the stream that caught my eye. It's not in any way beautiful, especially on such a dreary day, but it got me interested.

And here's another picture I took quickly while waiting to turn onto the Esplanade in Sydney. I never realized how well Wentworth Street (unrelated to Wentworth Park) is lined up for this shot, especially since this used to be a one way street going the other way. In the distance is Westmount on the other side of the harbour. I'll try to get a better picture of this another time.

Anyways, I'll leave you with that. Hopefully I'll have more and better soon, hopefully the sunny days we have will stay. Hopefully I'll have some time and will to go walking around. Hopefully.

Project before Procrastination

In English, we're working on philospohy. This comes mostly in the form of two projects: a presentation on a philosophy, and a report on how literature has influenced our own philosophy. Considering the last suject in English was religion, my teacher seems to be aiming for subjects that are best left alone around me.

I'll got into the project of influence first. I have to write about how literature has influenced my own personal philosophy. This would be easy, except that literature has had only minor roles in my philosophical developement. I began thinking about philosophy as a kid with the, very creepy question, "why am I me?" I was brought up Catholic, which usually means leaving all those answers to faith, but in junior high I moved into science and rationalization. I spent those years trying to understand existence. In the middle of it came what has been the single greatest influence on my philosophy: Neon Geneisis Evangelion. (What? You were expecting maybe Sartre?) This might seem strange, but the last two episodes of Eva are actually very weird and ... the expression "mind fuck" comes to mind. I spent two weeks trying to wrap my head around the idea that our preception affects or even effects the world. It also had other ideas, but basically, for me, it turned philosophy from something that you wrote in stone into a playground. That opened the floodgates for ideas like Orson Scott Card's philotes, quantum and string theory, and many more.

Since then, I've decided that I think the world exists for something, but I don't know or care what. Even if the answer to life, the universe and everything is ever solved (forty-two), I doubt it will be in my lifetime. So for all intents and purposes, I consider my life absurd, without meaning, and I live how I want. Oh, and hoping the thin line over to religion breifly, in case I haven't said this already, I don't believe in or care about life after death. I'm hoping for nothing, I could use the rest.

Whatever other influences in philosophy I've picked up from books affect more my interactions than my fundamental doctrine. Hamlet was the first time I realized just how mortal I am. It wasn't his famous soliloquy, it was simply "there is no good or bad, but thinking makes it so." That phrase, and other parts of Shakespeare made me realize that other people had had my same thoughts and just how similar we are in thinking as humans. Before then I had also always thought myself alone in my beliefs. It also gave me something to quote for my ideas or morals, but thinking back, I don't know how I got there. Lack or good and evil stemed from my thoughts of perspective, objectivity and subjectivity. It came from realizing that there is no quantifiable good or evil and that they are mearly opinions, at most, social norms. I can't think of any book that influenced this.

That covers my raison d'etre and morals, now for my modus operati. My choices (actually, I'm a hardcore determinist, but that a belief and impractical for everyday life) I make based off of two things. The first is video games. This may sound weird, but I've learned a lot about myslef from video games. I know that I usually play the good guy, and that because I've found that it gets me more. If you give to others, they'll give back. I don't consider this some devine law (see golden rule, "what goes around comes around," and karma), just good sociological advice. It doesn't always work and it's not always direct, but it has worked for me (that, some luck, and good planning are what I think got me to Japan). In a way, it's its own greed. The other thing is that I like to keep things interesting. That's why I like chaos and anarchy (please remember back to the entry where I explained that by chaos, I don't mean death and destrution). I like adventure and doing things spontaniously. I like walking around cities to see what I can find, even if I end up walking in circles all day. I'll make mistakes, even on purpose if I think I'll get something out of it. I'd go as far as to say that my eccentricity keeps me from going crazy with bordom. Oh, and for the report, I'll find a way to link this last thought to the ending of Neil Gaiman's Neverwhere.

For the report, I'll also be looking for ways to link this all to Dr. Seuss, Calvin and Hobbes and other kids' books (hence my earlier entry).

That was my take on one of the projects (now you see why philosophy is a bad topic around me). The other project, I'm working with two others on existentialism. It's strange because my beliefs are almost entirely opposite this, yet I find it very practical. It most revolves around the ideas that we are what we do, that we are free, we are responsible for ourselves, we are what we make of ourselves and cetera. I would prefer some component of thought and not action, but like I said, it's practical.

Our project comes in two parts: a hand out and a presentation. I've designed pamphlets and I'm waiting for word from the other members of my group before I start working on the presentation. I've also looked up a lot of the information we need for the project. We deligated different parts ot different people, but after my last group projects, I'm not taking chances. I've already found what information I need and I'm looking for the rest while going over everything I can find of value. I'm not saying that the others aren't doing work, they have, I just don't want to be sitting in this seat at two the morning it's due because someone didn't get something done on time. I don't want to take over, but I want to have a backup. I usually do this by simply doing all I can and saying "this is what I have, do whatever you want with it," ("all I have" usually including more than was expected of me).

I might put the project up on here if anyone's interested.

Anyways, I'm going to write more, but in a new post.

Oh, right the title. Existentialism is usually defined as "existence before essence," so I swapped existence for our project and essence for procrastination. That would be more profound if I had time to think about it.

Virtual or Real

I've had a lot of talk recently about how much you can do with technology. Most of it can be connected to Google's street view. It is, in my opinion, the closest thing we have now to virtual reality.

For those of you who don't know what it is, Google has mapped the world with road maps, satellite imagery, terrain maps, links to pictures, a digital globe with three dimensional terrain and buildings, traffic reports, all the border's of the world, links to location based information and now, one of their latest additions: street view, which is a three-hundred and sixty degree view of the land from the perspective of the highways (and major roads, and they'll probably have more soon). Not only do they have pictures every few meters, the also have it in three dimensions with the use of cyan-red glasses. So you could nearly take a virtual walk down to the store and back without leaving your house.

That's impressive, almost to the point of scaring me, but I'm used to technology. Facebook Still scares me more.

Anyways, It's Easter weekend, which means little to nothing for me. I get Friday off, all I've done is played a few rounds in Starcraft, shown up for something quick with Interact, eaten all the meat I want and made a mess of my room. In an hour I'll be going into work.

Yesterday was slightly more interesting. I saw a few people from school while going out for wings. They bugged me about my crush and I annoyed them back about drinking, which I would have been, but by the time we were done our wings, there wasn't enough time left before it closed to bother. We played a few rounds of video games and I had another night of not enough sleep.

I'm hoping to get outside on my own or with some friends with weekend, but it's unlikely, knowing my friends, knowing Easter and knowing how these things usually end.

At home I've also lost a television which is being moved back to Boston Pizza (probably to replace our defective set) and the top of my desk, which will be back soon.

I'll be posting pictures soon.

These Kids

I was going to write an entry, but I started looking up Calvin and Hobbes for a philosophy research project (English class). It's amazing how deep kids' books are. Seriously, compared the content of Dr. Seuss or Calvin and Hobbes to what a more "mature" audience is supposed to read. The kids have the better books, with pictures and meaning. What do we have? The Catcher in the Rye? Books about peoples lives being average? I'm re-adding kids' books to my to read list.

Also, I'll try to post something tomorrow. Good night (or morning, day, evening, or whatever astrological event may or may not apply).

Just Another Monday

So, this morning started out easily enough. I got out of bed, did all the usual stuff, got to school earily, spoke briefly with some at school (the teacher's daughter... I'm going to have to come up with something to call these people, this is getting ridiculous), headed back outside, to the parking lot and waited.

Ten minutes later I was asking my crush out. The answer was what I expected from the first time I really spoke to her, "no." There were a few more words but nothing of concequence. I disappeared until first period.

The answer didn't bother me, as I said, I was expecting it. The two thing that do bother me are think about whether she'll ever say yes to anyone, and wonder what her friends will think of me. Whether good or bad, at least it gets my name around, it'll help define people's opinions of me, and at the end of the day, at least I'll have been thought of.

Emotionally, I am little depressed, but compared to what I've been through, this is nothing. There's a little embarassement, but both are overcome easily. The only trouble it cause me was getting my mind back in order in class. Anyways, that'll probably wrap that issue up nicely, and for the sake of the aliases I use on here, I'll continue to call her "crush".

As for the issue of letters, I'm still working on them. And tonight I have plenty of other work to get done. I have a few quick questions in calculus, I'm rewriting my notes for a section of physics for an old friend, I have fifty vocabulary words to remember for English, Nineteen-Eighty-Four to read for Wednesday for English and if I finish all that (not a chance in hell, but it will still get in on time), I can work on some panoramic photos and other works I've been wating to do something with. So with that, I'm going to get started.

やる気の問題

やるきのもんだい, motivation issues, literally: do feeling 's problem.

I'm sure that everyone has things they have trouble getting themselves to do. For me, it's a few different things, and right now, they're stacking up.

First, homework and work aren't really on the list. When set to work, I'll do it. True, I haven't finished my lab report due tomorrow (Monday), but I've already read the questions, done the math, and all I have to do is write it down, I'll probably get it done once I've finished writing this.

Writing to my host families and friends in Japan, on the other hand, is something I've had trouble doing. Sometimes I just don't know what to write, other times I don't have time to and still more, I just can't get myself to do it. I've written up most of three, I'm trying to do six and I'll send them by all the fastest mail when I'm down, as if that would make up for how long they've taken.

Another issue is my crush (sorry, but you are reading my blog). I'm trying to ask her, and I don't even think it's rejection that scares me, but I just really need to hurry up and ask her. I'm almost expecting a "no" at this point, but just like in Japan, my life here is brief, I might as well make what I can of it.

Moving along, those are my two main issues, but I also want to get in contact with the other exchange students, Callan, Brie and Nick. It's not so much procrastinating as lack of communication. It's funny, in the old days it took so long for people to send messages across the world, now we can do it instantly, but we just don't.

Anyways, moving into narrative.

So, my weeks seem to have fallen into routine. I don't like it, but it's mostly unavoidable.

Monday starts with me waking up to white noise. I'm a light sleeper, so it wakes me up easily, slightly to random to be ignored and to turbulent to sing me back to sleep. I get up, eat breakfast, grab a sandwich made last night, brush my teeth, grab an apple and head out. I listen to something with a beat while I run to school. I live one mile away, so this is just a nice, sort, morning run.
I arrive at school somewhere shortly after eight. School doesn't start for another three-quarters of an hour, but the table where I want to sit fills up quickly. (I'll admit it, I time it to get there a few minutes before my crush, but there's usually someone there before her. One of the reasons I've been putting asking her off has been to wait for a time when we're one on one.) I talk and socialize, find out about the test next period and listen to all their stories of things they've done together, or things they wished someone else was there for. I say this because I'm not mentioned in any of it, another downside of being an outsider (外人). No one ever says anything to me unless I speak first, but no one seems to oppose my presence.

Classes go by easily enough. Socially, every class is like the cafeteria in the morning, with only a slight variation on people. In chimie avancee 12 I sit anywhere close to people, usually in the place of someone absent. I see what I can get of people's social lives from what I hear, I ask about the occasional thing and every once in a while there's a "your mom" joke made about the teacher's daughter (she's one of the group).

Calculus 12 is bi-polar. I sit in silence for the girl behind me, who just wants to figure it out and get the work done. That's why she sits in the far corner, the only seat even behind me (I like sitting far away to get the panoramic view of the class, you might find I'm often near walls). Those times I do what I can to follow her example and work, it's a habit I need. The rest of the time though, I answer questions and comments shouted from across the class while not bothering to do the work because I know the concept already (sadly, I can get nineties like this).

In advanced physics 12, people are more concentrated on their work. I still talk to people far away, but it's less frequent and more physics oriented. I get most of my work right while speeding through it. Again, I can get away with this because I'm familiar with the subject, and again I wish I could mimic the girl behind me and do my work. (Guess who she is.)

In advanced English 12, the class is much more open. We talk more and feel that a lot of our work is bullshit. I'm not very good at adding fluff to my work, despite who much I write and I really need to put more effort into the subject. Oh well, it's a mandatory course. Oh, and guess what girl is in this class too.

Our school schedules run through our four classes every day on a four day cycle that follows as: period one, period two, period three, lunch, period four, period four. Each period is about an hour long.

On Monday, lunch is spent with the Interact club executive staff. We give reports on the weekly activities, attendance and our monthly projects. I'm co-president, there's the other co president and three other staff as well as the two teachers who run the club. The meetings are long and filled with a lot of dilly-dally shilly-shally by the teachers as they draw out explanations, stories, complaints and repeat themselves. I recognize the work they do, but our meetings could be a lot more efficient and over with if it weren't for the afore mentioned. Unfortunately, I can't say any of this because I'm already getting on bad terms with one of the teachers.

After school I talk to cg. She's (not the girl I've mentioned) my friend's sister, and was the closest thing to a friend when the school year started. I wait with her as she finds a ride home. Sometimes I'll take a ride, especially if it's her brother (my friend) driving, but I usually end up walking home. I've gotten so used to walking and running that I know it sideways and backwards. I mean that literally, I sometimes walk home from school backwards, taking a look ahead once every hundred-metres or so.

My evenings are mostly empty. I check my web comics, e-mail and messages. I might watch a show on the computer. I download podcasts. I'm doing well at avoiding my computer, it's now usually asleep or off. Mostly, I'm getting into doing my homework. I'd call up one of my friends except that they're all in university and they have classes until late and work on homework until later. I would read more books if I didn't have English class.

At night I try to get to sleep. Sometimes I catch myself watching too many shows, surfing the Internet, looking up concepts or very rarely playing a video game. I shower, shave, brush my teeth, clip my nails, make tomorrow's lunch, undress, listen to a podcast and think. Sleep hits me later. I'm now trying to be asleep for midnight. I'm a night-owl by nature, but I have too much going on in my morning.

Tuesday follows much the same pattern. I might wake up later and skip breakfast or forget my apple. At lunch I'll go to either the robotics club or visit some grade ten friends. The former started earlier this month and the latter make me feel old, awkward and they're a bit too ridiculous for me. I hang out with them because of a similar interest in Japan, though they're into the over-the-top anime stuff while I try to avoid it. My night is also the same. I keep my schedule open hoping that something might happen, that someone might call, but nothing has.

On Wednesday lunch is spent with the Interact club. I get there early to try to get people to sign attendance. Once enough people are there I start the meeting and the executive takes turns taking about the different things going on, asking questions, talking about upcoming events and urging people to sign up. The meeting finishes a little before lunch is over. And once again my night is empty.

Thursdays have the usual setup until school ends. Then I head out for the Cove. It's a guest home (old folks home) where I volunteer for Interact. We've been having trouble getting people to go (despite our other guest home volunteering taking off) but I show up every week, even sometimes when I don't volunteer, just to see how things are going. I don't like volunteer work, especially where I deal with people, but keeping it up has its advantages.

Fridays are not my favourite days. Most goes as usual, except that at night I go in to work with a friend and work until his shift is over. The best term the manager has found for my work is quasi-. It's weird and I wish I had something else to do on Fridays, but I don't. I get home late and try to get to sleep.

Saturdays change. Sometimes I have a slow day, sometimes I work out at the house and other times something might actually happen, but not often.

Me working at the house (a few weeks ago).

This Saturday I got up early to go to a robotics competition. Our club finished working on our robot Friday and had a few dry runs. The competition was to built a robot for stacking Jenga blocks in one-on-one matches. I got there early and saw one of my university friends. It turned out that the university was having a forum where everyone was showing off different research and other types of projects. My friend was part of a team making a cheap and effective catalyst with a proline enzyme. I saw other projects by other friends, some looked cool like one about waves (standing waves) in fire, and some were so simple I couldn't believe that was it (like one on energy, e=mgh=.5mvv). There was also a robotics competition between the engineering students about robots throwing balls over a wall.
We looked at our competition, one school had copied a design right out of a manual, another had gone for something very effective, but that would take a lot of time to build anything very high. The best design slid the blocks into long slot and then pulled the whole lot vertical (a bit hard to explain). Our picked them up one by one and stacked them, but along with the former, we stacked blocks end-on-end, and with blocks four times longer than wide or high, that made it a lot easier. We won. Mostly because the better designed robot broke down, but we won none the less. I'll also add that all the designs I saw here were ones I had thought of, but that really doesn't mean much.
At then end of the event, everyone was gathered in a classroom and awards were presented. The plaque for our event was very plain, wooden with a small metal plate near the top naming the university, department, competition and year. We found out later that (much live everything else in the event including some robots) the plaque had been made at the last minute. We also got free t-shirts, hats and pizza.

Here's a video or robots and the fire project.

When I got home, I was taken out to the house to move some stuff around, and when I got home I called the friend I usually go into work with on Saturdays (cg's brother), but he had already left. I could have gotten another ride in, but I decided to stay at home.

I tried to get some sleep in this morning (Sunday). I made myself an larger lunch to make up for missing breakfast.

My lunch today.

Today, as usual, my homework isn't done yet, a habit I want broken. I cleaned up my room, and as usual, I'll get myself cleaned up, showered, shaven and all the rest. I'll finish my homework and read more of my English book, Nineteen-Eighty-Four. Hopefully I'll be done and asleep before the day is done.

March Work

Well, today ends March break, or spring break or whatever you call it. I'm not sure about you but I'm glad it's over. Actually, I'm not sure if I got the same spring break as everyone else. I was out building a house and taking shifts at the restaurant. I didn't get a real break, just a lot more work than usual.

It started at about Thursday. On Thursdays I have volunteer work after school. I spend time with people at a guest home, usually playing a game of cribbage with an English lady. It's slow, but I enjoy the game, the conversation is a bonus and really, there's worse volunteer work I could be doing. It's at a place half way into town, and so hen I was done, I headed in to the restaurant just to sit down, maybe have a drink and talk or just relax. That wa a mistake.

I got there, sa down and waited a while, talked to people, waited for a podcast to finish downloading (the walk home is long and I get tired of my music quickly). A while later I was still there when me father came in. I know that there was some time of not much happening in between, but it's a distant memeroy now and all I can remember was it being eleven of the clock at night and being driven home after working.

Friday, the day before March break, is a day when most kids skip. I don't, I prefer being around the few kids left at school to sitting at home with nothing to do. On this Friday my dad called me off school to help build the house. We were working with one other guy to get truses up onto the roof. It was slow and heavy work, at least, heavy for a guy who never works out (id est, me). I got home and then got ready for work at the restaurant.

You see, now I'm taking shifts with my friends, it's technically not regular work and technically not training, basically I follow them in and help them out or do whatever needs to be done. Basically, I'm just collecting work experience and learning how to work out front with customers, but I'm extra and not needed. I'd go into more depth of why it's complicated an not really training, but it's not worth it.

At then end of the night I got a ride home, I forget what I did, but eventually, very late, I got to sleep. The next day was another day of building the roof, and another shift at work, actually I got home just as my drive was leaving and barely made it. The next day was another out at the house. It didn't really help that all the people out there to help build kept telling me to stay in school. I have no intention of leaving school for another four years at least. As if to prove this, I also started bringing my book for English class so that I could read (with the background noise of saws and hammers) when I wasn't needed.

It was about this point when I got back into Fallout 3, a video game. I don't play video games as much as some people think, but when I do play, I binge. For those of you who don't know about Fallout, it's a game about a post-apocolyptic, retro-futuristic (1950s in the 2250s) United States of Amercia. It's know for being immersive and very long with about fourty square kilometers of wasteland to explore and all kinds of different things to do, mostly trying to survive.

Most of the week followed with me working at the house or at the restaurant it not both. I also switched games to God of War III which came out Tuesday (the goriest games of my collection, which is usually rather tame). God of War III is a butchery of Greek mythology, though butchery in the way of violence, it's setting is suprisingly accurate, especially compared to Dante's Inferno (a game about it's namesake; The Divine Comedy). Now, sleep deprived, tired and sore, I'm going to go to sleep and wake up for MY break, which is to say, a normal workday.

It's a dog's life, but it could be worse (really, I'm just adding that part on the end so that no one else will).

I'd write more but sleep. Also, I'll soon have picutres, they're right here on my computer, but I'm THAT tired.

Trust

Today I had a conversation with someone who says that you shouldn't trust other people (specifically secrets). It's dangerous, others will be able to exploit you or other bad stuff might happen. His point is valid, but I don't want to be a recluse.

So, I'm going to go through and see just how much I trust others. I'll start with the internet.

I have this blog, it represents a lot of my personal thoughts, feelings, experiences and many ideas that I would not ordinarily share. I also has picture of people and places, however I try to keep the anonymity of others. I trust having this online because most people reading this are either close family and friends or absolute strangers. I also have links to here from Facebook, but I doubt that anyone around me not a close friend or family has read this. If they have, they've kept it to themselves. I trust strangers because they have no effect on my life and vice versa, I don't interact with them. I trust my friends, otherwise they wouldn't be my friends. Ironically, my family are the ones I trust least reading my blog, not that that means much. Classmates, coworkers or aquaintences are the least trsutworthy, those relationships are based on being in the same place and have less to do with interpersonal relations.

My Facebook page is public. It always has been. Anything relating to just me is accessable, I don't see a point in hiding it. My age, address and phone numbers are missing as precautions, but my likes, pictures, theology and cetera are all there. Granted, my page is lacking in applications and quizzes.

I don't have a MySpace page and my page for Microsoft (whatever their Live site is called) is mostly blank, as is my Google profile. I've just never seen a point in filling them out.

There are also many things that I let slip in conversation. I do this mostly intentionally. You could say it's peer pressure, but really, I decide to say it. Often it's something that could mean a lot to certain people, but I usually don't tell the person involved; it just never comes up. It's always something that could be used against me, but I often present it in a cryptic way and usually it means nothing to the listener. For example, there are four people at my school who know about my crush, one of them I told directly, two asked why I was so irritable one day and the last one figured it out and asked me (he propbably didn't expect me to admit it and talk about it so openly).

Then there's stalking and "creeping." Bascially detective work. With a name, address or phone number you can find the other two in the phone book. Many people have this written on their Facebook pages. Lots of people have photos with their house in the background. Whenever people fill out forms they usually have their name, address, phone numbers, parent's signature and cetera. This is the age of information, privacy is just a word.

Well, just something to think about.

Wasted day

I'm using the slang meaning of the word "wasted." You'll see why.

So, Saturday started early for me. On Friday I had been asked to volunteer for some basketball event and I said yes. Someone was going to pick me up at eight-fifteen, so I got up at seven-forty-five, had breakfast and all that jazz and waited. We drove over to the university where it was being held and asked around to find out what we'd be doing. After about fifteen minutes and at least four explanations from different people we started. Our job was to time kids as they completed different basketball related challenges and record it on sheets. It went well enough; I wrote down times as they were given to me, there were only a few mix-ups and I kept using colons instead of periods to split seconds from milliseconds. Two ours passed and our job was done. The people who had driven me out told me to ride with them back into town (the university here is about four kilometers from the outskirts of town), but I refused, twice, despite their calling after me. I walked across fields and on the opposite side of the road to get the point across.

I ran in the cool winter air. Actually this winter has been temperate and we've had nowhere near our usual hills of snow. We had had rain the day before and now everything shimmered with frozen droplets. The snow was slippery, strong enough to hold me up and glistened like polished metal. Tree branches sparkled like crystal, reminding me of the beauty of sakura trees. The sky had given up its clouds and the sun stood in the midst of spectacular blue. Sadly, I missed getting any pictures of this, I should really get back into the habit of taking snapshots. They're never as good as living the moment, but they try.

Anyways, I was heading into town to meet a few friends for lunch. I ran because they had just come from a race I couldn't make it to (due to the volunteering) and I wanted to show that I was still determined to run. I would meet the one with pink shoes at an appointment she had. We arrived at the same time, not ten seconds apart. She went in and I stayed outside, cooling down and waiting for the others. They had been to my house, expecting to pick me up, but made it back well before the appointments was over. When it was, we headed to Tim Horton's for a quick bit before we all went out separate ways.

I came home and spent some time sorting through all our old electronics, throwing out about three and a half computers worth of old components. I've cut back on my computer. It's now down to the basics: skeleton frame (I should use the side panels, but I don't, and at this point, the computer is going to die of technical causes before something spills on it), power source, mother board, video card, audio card, two hard disc drives, keyboard, mouse, wi-fi adaptor, monitor and speakers. Anything else I need I can hook up later. It's all in a box somewhere. I've also disconnected my PS3, which will stay so until my to-do list shortens down. Anyway, I drove out to an electronics disposal place and dropped it all off.

I then went through and cleaned out a few virtual things on my computer before getting a message from my friends; they were going out for drinks. A half-hour later I grabbed my coat and jogged over to the bar.

They weren't there when I arrived, so I waited around for about twenty or thirty minutes. I got annoyed, and not having a cellphone, there was no way of getting in contact with them without going home. So I jogged back to find a message on my answering machine. They had been to my house to pick me up while I had been at the bar waiting for them. I ran back, remembering why I keep all that Linkin Park music on my PSP: because it's fast.

I made it, two of them were sitting, eating and the third was working in the kitchen (she came out later to visit us). I told them what had happened and they apologized, saying that they though they had told me they'd pick me up (I'm quite sure they hadn't, I usually take note of things like that). After a few beer and nachos all was pretty much forgiven. We headed to one of their homes (it's kind of hard to keep up the anonymity without being ambiguous) and had a few more drinks. I found out that I have little trouble drinking bad tasting (alcoholic) drinks, but that's probably from the fact that I hate alcohol to begin with. I ended up downing my drink and one of theirs, and then we headed to another bar.

This week, Sydney (Nova Scotia, where I live) is hosting the East Coast Music Awards (ECMAs) and the bar was packed as the performers played and stage. I have video of the band, but it's too loud to hear anything, sorry. We did some shots and moved around and talked with different people. I spotted a few old friends and a few people from work. The one who was working in the kitchen finished and came over, we had more shots and then I started sobering up. Sobering up for me, whether getting over alcohol or getting over a good feeling usually kills my mood, even before all its effects are gone. It was also getting to be early in the morning, so I headed out. I forgot to call for a ride, but being as much of a runner as I am, I just ran home. I was okay, my vision was slightly off, but I had my balance and my legs worked just fine. I made it in and started drinking all the water I could. I tried to stay up, to wait to be sober before succumbed to sleep, but I was out before I could remember getting under the covers.

Today I've once again avoided a hangover, though my legs sure hate me. I ran about thirty kilometers that day. Today has been slow, I've just been cleaning up and trying to get things done. Oh, and one last thing, geoffcard isn't a username (that would be gercunderscore4), my real name is Geoffrey Card, but there always being another Jeff, I'm usually called "geoffcard," spoken quickly as one word.

Scholarships

I'm looking for sholarships to apply to (and hopefully receive), the problem is that most of them are very specific. I can't apply to the ones I see at school because most of them are only for Nova Scotia, I can't apply for the on at Boston Pizza because I won't be working in my first year, I can't apply to any for visual minorities or anything like that. So what I'm left with are generic "we give munies for hyperbolic essays," sadly I'm behind on those to because of how busy I've been. I'm currently woking on an entrance scholarship despite the fact that it's overdue, just so that I can try. I've also tried signing up for an online scholarship site, but I'm having trouble getting the site to work.

Anyways, the reason I'm writing this is to type up my essay for the University of British Columbia Vancouver Major Entrance Scholarship. It asks that I "[t]hink of a significant challenge you have face. Using this example, describe how your successes and failiures in dealing with challenges have contributed to your personal development." I've got five-hundred words with which to write it. Feel free to critique it.

Here' goes:

During my year long exchange to Japan, myself and the other exchange students had trouble fitting in and being accepted. Being a foreigner is hard, especially in an ethnocentric country like Japan. We did everything we could to fit in; I've known people who played the class clown to get attention, people who played up their foreign traits, some who just did as they were told and others who tried everything they could to be "normal."

The First thing was language. I learned both Japanese syllabaries in four days and bought several books on the language. Unfortunately my first host family spoke English which they fell back on a lot. Having been in and out of French immersion, I know how important immersion is for learning languages. I still kept ahead of the other exchange students in my area. I did everything I could, translating comics, watching television and movies, playing games, singing, ordering food al in Japanese, having conversations, learning Japanese ideograms, taking lessons, using flashcards, even reading packaging and signs in the streets. Sometimes I would fall back on English and I hated every time I did.

I also had to live with many different host families. My first was the hardest. I didn't get along with my host father. He wanted me to do as I was told and stay in my room and study, whereas I spent my time going out to experience the country for myself. My "independence" was a constant source of feuds and I spent those months in constant apprehension. It didn't help that I was still only learning their culture and customs. It was in the last three days that I made amends, and the rest of stay went exceptionally well through four more host families.

The greatest challenge though, was the stress of knowing I had only one year. I felt time counting down constantly. I felt every second, minute, hour, day, week, month and season passing and I’ve kept that sense of time. It put pressure on me to learn the language and customs faster, to make more friends, to take it all in and to do all I could before it was over. I learned to use time better, fitting things in, running from one thing to the next, leaving half way through a movie with friends to make it to a meeting across town. I learned to set dates and times, reschedule, accommodating others’ and their plans and anticipating problems. What time I didn’t spend doing everything I could, I spent walking around the city, learning the roads, browsing the shops and looking for a friendly face. By the time I left I knew the city better than some natives.

I spent every moment of a year that I could, trying to gain acceptance of a people foreign to me. I was learning to live among them, building familiar bonds, making friends and all before my inevitable departure.

Anyways, I have ideas for a few more entries but I'm short on time.

Down, down, down

Well, every week it seems that I start off stressed, work my way up and down, then the weekend comes, I have plans to finish my work and get some reprieve. Usually, I have a nice Friday and get part of the way through Saturday before something hits me.

In this case, I'll start on Thursday. I started from school at a jog to a local guest home where I volunteer as part of my role in my school's Interact club (looks good on a resume, has scholarships, anyone in high school should consider it, sorry, I'm being told to recruit people). I had a nice few games of crib, and then I decided to go to Boston Pizza. I wasn't scheduled for work, but I had nothing waiting for me at home. I made it there, sat down for a while, and then my father (one of the owners, the other being my mother) told me that my aunt from out of town would be in for supper. So I waited and had supper with her, my grandmother and my great uncle. Afterwords, I received a text message from a friend about going to Don Cherry's for wings (which my friends and I do every Thursday). So I drive my, now slightly inebriated, relatives home, park their car and run from there to Don Cherry's. I make it there, worn and thirsty and my friends arrive a few moments later. We go in and I spot some of my hopeful friends. I go over to talk to them, I always try to do this, hoping that by making an effort to talk to them I'm making a good impression. They've finished their meal and soon head out. I sit down and order a pitcher (of beer) with a friend. Conversation, drinking and wings follow. We watch the hockey game, commenting on the fact that Canada's team should be doing much better. At the end of the game, there's a shootout, and the whole bar, ourselves included, cheer and sigh with every goal we block and shot we fail to get. It thankfully ends with local hero Sidney Crosby scoring the winning goal. We pay, leave and head up to one of our place's to play video games and by one o'clock, we're all heading home.

Friday wasn't quiet so eventful, but it did bring some measure of satisfaction. I bought a ticket to a Monte Carlo night for students, went home, got read and headed out. It was cool. There was music with a good DJ, tables for poker, blackjack, roulette and more. Everyone showed up looking well dressed and ready to gamble (with chips that could be traded in for tickets for a draw). I started at the poker table, where I lost sorely to two girls who had hardly a clue what they were doing; the dealer and I had to explain to them every time how they had won. I moved over to the roulette table, where my winnings almost evened out my losses, and from there I headed to the blackjack tables where I bled chips most of the rest of the night. I took breaks, tried other games, watched a dance competition (I wish I could dance better, or at least that I had enough confidence to try), and tried to find people to talk to. Twice at blackjack tables, myself and the other players had to explain to someone just coming on to a shift how to play. It was fun and I almost earned some chips. In the end, I didn't have enough chips to bid on any prizes, but it was funny to hear the comments on some of them. My name was called out as a mock winner of the Boston Pizza coupons (useless to me since my parents own it). And then everyone headed out, well mostly. I stayed behind with some of the people who had worked the night and some others just waiting. We sat and ate the delicious nachos and other food that had been out all evening, but had gone mostly unnoticed. All that meant was more for us. In the end I accepted a ride back home and wondered whether I should go the next day too. Saturday's was for adults, but being nineteen in grade twelve, I qualify for both. I decided against it in the end; I had my night and the parents should have theirs.

Saturday was boring. I just wasn't in a mood to do anything. I walked about nine kilometres to Boston Pizza to see if anything was going on just to walk back. But late that night (actually, extremely early Sunday), I got a strange message from a friend. To make a long and embarrassing story short, someone posed as a girl I know using her online account. They asked me something personal and then misinterpreted my deflection. They showed it to her, and now I don't want to have to deal with this tomorrow. Really, I think that this is just a good reason not to hang around her anymore. I seem to make friends (purposefully just friends) with the wrong types of girls. This, my crush and feelings of alienation are adding up to a lot of stress for me. Which leads into:

Sunday. I woke to my cellphone, which though a complicated history and setup is a Blackberry, which is only supposed to have phone settings, but also receives my father's e-mails, and my number has been changed and given to someone else. Basically, no one knows my number (which gets about two messages a week anyways) and now I'm getting message after message meant for my father. I checked it, and sure enough it wasn't for me. I went back to bed, it went off again. Again not for me. By this point I was awake, but I didn't care to be. I didn't mind it so much as I minded existing with all this stress hanging over me. In addition, I had plenty of work to do. I just sat there until somehow I got up and started my day. I wasted it. I just avoided doing anything. I tried looking for a friend, but there are few people I trust around, and few strangers willing to chat (I trust strangers because they have very little impact on my life and often have nothing to due with what I talk about). Failing to find a friend, my mind went crazy. Screaming and yelling, but you wouldn't know it from the look of me. Eventually I calmed down. I did some minor tasks, nothing important. I tried some diversions; I watched a television show (Stargate SG1), played Uncharted 2, but these just kill time. Nearing the end of the day, I finally started on my work. I got very little of it done, and I'll probably be busy finishing it all this week, but at least I got a grip. I'm better now, but I'm still stressed about what's ahead of me.

In case anyone is worried, I still think logically. My logic sometimes gets twisted, and that's usually from being alone too much, a fresh perspective (second opinion) usually fixes that. And for most major issues, my mind has a good track record of keeping me in line. I've though about suicide, drinking, moving out and other ideas at different times, but in each case I eliminated it as an option. I don't need anyone to tell me that. Right now, all I need is a little bit of wit and a lot of luck. And it always helps to keep a Card up my sleeve (it's capitalized for a reason).