Drama

My last entry's name was talking about how little time is left in the school year, and yet how easy it would be to ruin it all.

Anyways, this time, I'm done my English project, I have another one, but I can actually do it as an entry, you'll see why soon enough, but before that, I want to talk about just how screwed up my life can get.

First, know that I'm a nineteen-year-old male who has never been in a serious relationship. There was puppy-love when I was a kid, two things that never happened, a confession by me in front of a class in Japan, two full days of flirting that was thwarted by not having any time and one almost-recent rejection. There was also a girl a while back who I still know and have some contact with, who admitted feelings for me. I didn't have the same feelings and there were situational issues. And there was also the girl in pink shoes, whom I had feeling for, but I prefer our simply friendship, and not from fear of loosing her.

I'm looking for a girlfriend. I would gladly take any of probably a few tens of girls I see every week, but even getting over my own issues, and even if I could figure out which ones were taken (seriously, there needs to be some way to tag "jealous boyfriend that's bigger than you" to their girlfriends, and maybe the same to guys, it would make me feel a lot safer). Regardless, even that's not what happened.

Today I got a message from an acquaintance that is going to make part of my social life a lot more awkward. I'm still not sure how I'm going to deal with it, and I lost many hours that I should have spent on homework trying to get it out of my head for a moment. I would talk about it in more depth, but it's that personal for this person, and I try to do what I can to respect other people's privacy, even when I post so much of my own personal life online.

To be honest, I already knew about the message, or at least, I suspected it by how others were acting. I would have trouble believing how messed up my life gets if I weren't so used to it. Dammit, I hate being right about these things. I wish I could be pleasantly surprised by the world someday, but I know all to well that that's wishful thinking.

I'm also being teased this week by my track team, who figured out how I felt about the girl in pink shoes. Their being immature to the point where the grade ten who plays with Nerf guns is probably the teams most adult athlete. Meh, I don't directly care about what they say, I just care indirectly by how she might react to it.

And we had a few exchange students staying over at our house this weekend. It took me away from my English paper for a few precious hours, but it was a nice distraction. Unfortunately most of what I got out of it was nostalgia for when I was on exchange in Japan. It doesn't help that I'm going through my old photos and building a few incomplete panoramas, or and of the hundred other things that remind me of that place. I would love for a chance just to walk along the Saigawa, watch the river flowing, see the people moving about, counting the bridges as I pass underneath, watch the scenery change from hills and valleys to cliffs and open fields, to urban sidewalks, sluices, and construction, to marinas, small suburbs and shoreline. To see the beautiful sakura trees in spring. My sanctum. Anyways, yeah.

Also, I have to catch up on a backlog of homework and other projects from school that have been brushed aside for my English paper. This isn't too much, but it will take some time.

Also, my parents will be gone this week. That doesn't mean very much in a house whose average population dwindles at one, but it means I'll have to do a few more chores on my own. Luckily it also means I only have to clean up after myself.

Anyways, before this gets too long I'll get to my new English project, which isn't really new, but I've had to put it off until this weekend. I have to write a response to Tuesdays with Morrie. So, without further adue:

Mitch Albom's Tuesdays with Morrie is a good book that I wish I could have read earlier, instead of having learned so many of it's lessons from my own life in hindsight. It's a book on how to live, written about a man who's about to die, and who wants to pass on life's lessons to the author and readers.

My first reaction to it parallels that of the author and main character: it feels too mushy to me. It feels awkward to read, even though I know from expereience how true the lessons taught in this book are. I think it's a part of our culture to feel this way, that our emotions and closeness to others is not good or necessary. However, I know from experience that these connections are important. I regret holding my parents at arms length, treating them as I would most strangers. I wish I could feel those connections better. I remember living in Japan, and seeing how my lack of connection made me difficult to deal with. I remember the problems it caused and how long it took to make such bonds with people I now consider like family.

I also know how important it is to be a friend, or even just to keep someone company. Again, I still have trouble making these connections with people, but at the same time I know how much I need them, feeling alone all the time. Part of why I didn't like it is that I'm jealous of this dying man for how many meaningful connections and how many friends he has.

I share Morrie's view that people should live their lives how they want and not worry about society, but it seems to have worked out well for him. He acts how he wants, doesn't mind how others think and it works out fine for him. For me, every norm I break just makes me feel more alienated, even when acting more normal makes me feel phony.

The awkward feelings this book gives me remind me of Ender's Game, which has some similar themes, but takes them from a radically different perspective. Instead of relationships, friends, and families, Ender's Game refers to connections and producing babies (in that terminology). Both takes similar topics give me the same stange mushy feeling.

There are many other topics, like living every day like your last, accepting your emotions and forgiving yourself. Many of them are ones we've all heard before, but this book has some good ideas and a few cheesy anecdotes.

That's enough for tonight.